He saved me before Jesus did.

It was March of 1999.  I was 16 yrs. old.  I asked him to read the results of the test because I just couldn't bare to do it.  I already knew what the answer would be.  I could feel the life inside of me.  However I was still in denial.  He walked out of the bathroom holding the test in his hand with a blank look on his face.  "It looks like 2 lines to me."  I heard those words and I cried.  In fact I sobbed.  I was scared.  What would people think?  What would my dad say? How was I, who was just a baby, gonna possibly be able to raise another baby.  I cried for another reason that night.  I cried because I knew after that moment I would never be the same again.  I knew that my days of hard core partying, drugs, sex, clubbing, etc. were over and I was relieved.  Finally, I had a reason for life.

We discussed me having an abortion.  It wasn't even an option. Not because I cared about the sanctity of life, which I do now, but because I couldn't get rid of the thing that was going to make me better. Even before I realized what I had I knew I couldn't live without it.

Conner James Newcomb was born on a Sunday night.  At 9:11pm on Oct. 3, 1999  I got to hold my baby in my arms.  You think pregnancy changes you. Wait till you hold that child in your arms.  Look into his eyes. Kiss his lips.  I was truly in love for the first time in my life.  And this child I held loved me.  He loved me unconditionally.  He didn't care that I was 16, that I was still in high school, and that I wasn't married.  He didn't care what I looked like, or about what size I was, or about how much money I had, which was none.  All he knew was he loved me. Even before he knew what love was.

I didn't know what I was having.  I didn't really care as long as it had blond hair and blue eyes.  And as I felt the baby soft blond hair on his head and looked into his blue eyes I knew God had given more then I could have ever imagined.

He was such a great baby.  He got me through a lot of stuff.  When his father left me, it was ok because I had him.  When I got into an argument with a girlfriend, or a fight with one of my parents, or even when I felt so consumed with hopelessness I wanted to die, I still knew it would be ok.  He was my reason for life.

It was such an honor to be his mom.  To think God would have chosen me to nurture something so wonderful and so precious.  Maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought.  I taught him to walk and talk.  Read him stories, showed him how to love the best I knew how, taught him to be kind to others.  He was a good kid, maybe there was more to this thing I was doing.  I felt worthy.  Something began to stir inside me.  I wanted more for his life then I had.  I wanted him to know things could be different.  But how?

I went to church as a child, but after my parents divorce, and moving in with my dad who was a confessed atheist I stopped going.  I had no idea who God was, but I wanted my child to know.  I knew in order to give him what I never had, I had to give myself to somebody.  My whole self.  My dirty, wrecked, broken, self.  So I did.  At 20 yrs. old I gave myself to Jesus and when I did I gave my son an inheritance.

I am not sure that if I didn't have Conner I wouldn't have met Jesus.  God can do anything.  He called me out in my mothers womb, and I know He would have stopped at nothing to get me.  He loves me.  You think you love your kids. Imagine how much more our Father in heaven being good loves us.  To think that God loved me enough to give me this boy.    God wanted me, and He used the greatest gift we can possibly receive to bring me to Him.

Thank You God, thank You, thank You, thank You.  Thank You for allowing my precious son Conner to save me before Your precious Son Jesus did.