Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The thing about memories...

Memory is defined as  the mental capacity or faculty of retaining and reviving facts, events, impressions, etc., or of recalling or recognizing previous experiences.  Memories can evoke tons of emotions.  Hurt, happiness, sorrow, shame, and on and on they go.  I don't have tons of great memories to look back on in my life, but the ones I do have that are good I cherish so much.  The ones that are not so great, well I have learned a ton from them so I guess looking back they aren't so bad.  Memories can be so wonderful, but they can also be down right mean.  
    Since my son Conner was born my life has been filled with good memories.  Wonderful memories of holding him, teaching him, nurturing him.  Those memories used to make me cry tears of joy.  Look what God has given me.  The most beautiful son in the world and the most precious memories to go with him.  Now, almost 11 months after he was ripped from my arms by a horrible monster we call cancer memories of him are all I have.  The worst part about them is knowing that we will never be able to make more together.  All I have of him is 11 yrs., 8 months, 21 days, 2 hrs., and 15 minutes.  The memories I have I cherish more than anyone can know.  They also bring me more pain than anything I could have ever imagined.  What do you do with memories when every single one of them breaks and rips at your heart and soul in such a bitter sweet way.  I wouldn't trade the memories for anything in the world, knowing that without them I would lose my baby.  But sometimes I wish they didn't come so ravenously and so often.  They make me yearn for my boy.  They leave me completely unsatisfied, knowing the memory of holding my boy can not compare to actually holding him.  The memories are everywhere.  Over 11 yrs. is a long time to make memories with someone.  Every holiday, every birthday, every single day holds a memory of my boy.  Almost every movie, every picture, every song, every family outing, and so on and so on.  There are things that hold memories and effect me that I never realized even could.  How could a number as simple as 11, 12, 25 stop me in my tracks and bring me to my knees.  Every time I see a toe headed little boy, I just stop and stare and imagine what it could have been like.  Whenever I hear the name Conner, or see a dragonfly, or a rainbow, or a rain cloud, there he is.  Sometimes I wonder how with my mind being so preoccupied with the things of Conner how I have done anything else since he died.  
    Memories can also be tough when they start to fad.  Sometimes I feel like I can feel Conner in my arms, and other times I find myself desperately trying to remember what it felt like to hold him.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday since he was sitting with me on my lap, and other times it feels like an eternity.  The smell of him still lingers on his clothes but it isn't as strong as it was.  Sometimes it feels like I am losing him over and over again as the memories fade somewhat.  Maybe not so much the memories, but the emotions that go along with them.  
    God talks a lot about us remembering in the bible.  It is funny though cause it seems He only asks us to hold on to the good memories.  He tells us to remember and celebrate what He did for us, but He also says that He remembers our sins no more.  I think I will try to do it God's way.  Hold on to the memories of the yrs. Conner was healthy and whole, the yrs. where the Lord saw us through.  The yrs. where God gave us Nate, and Liyah and a family.  I will remember the times my hurt was so deep I know only God could have gotten me through.  I will remember every sweet and wonderful moment the Lord allowed me to be with my precious child.  The smiles, the hugs, the love.  And I will hold onto to those, with hope and thanksgiving, not being anxious but remembering God's promises for my life and for Conners.  No matter how much the memories may change, or fad, or do whatever else it is memories will do I know I will hold onto the Love I have for my sweet sweet boy forever and for always. And then one day in all God's goodness I will  enter into Jesus arms and He will hold me and my boy and together we will make memories together for eternity.