Friday, November 11, 2011

He saved me before Jesus did.

It was March of 1999.  I was 16 yrs. old.  I asked him to read the results of the test because I just couldn't bare to do it.  I already knew what the answer would be.  I could feel the life inside of me.  However I was still in denial.  He walked out of the bathroom holding the test in his hand with a blank look on his face.  "It looks like 2 lines to me."  I heard those words and I cried.  In fact I sobbed.  I was scared.  What would people think?  What would my dad say? How was I, who was just a baby, gonna possibly be able to raise another baby.  I cried for another reason that night.  I cried because I knew after that moment I would never be the same again.  I knew that my days of hard core partying, drugs, sex, clubbing, etc. were over and I was relieved.  Finally, I had a reason for life.

We discussed me having an abortion.  It wasn't even an option. Not because I cared about the sanctity of life, which I do now, but because I couldn't get rid of the thing that was going to make me better. Even before I realized what I had I knew I couldn't live without it.

Conner James Newcomb was born on a Sunday night.  At 9:11pm on Oct. 3, 1999  I got to hold my baby in my arms.  You think pregnancy changes you. Wait till you hold that child in your arms.  Look into his eyes. Kiss his lips.  I was truly in love for the first time in my life.  And this child I held loved me.  He loved me unconditionally.  He didn't care that I was 16, that I was still in high school, and that I wasn't married.  He didn't care what I looked like, or about what size I was, or about how much money I had, which was none.  All he knew was he loved me. Even before he knew what love was.

I didn't know what I was having.  I didn't really care as long as it had blond hair and blue eyes.  And as I felt the baby soft blond hair on his head and looked into his blue eyes I knew God had given more then I could have ever imagined.

He was such a great baby.  He got me through a lot of stuff.  When his father left me, it was ok because I had him.  When I got into an argument with a girlfriend, or a fight with one of my parents, or even when I felt so consumed with hopelessness I wanted to die, I still knew it would be ok.  He was my reason for life.

It was such an honor to be his mom.  To think God would have chosen me to nurture something so wonderful and so precious.  Maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought.  I taught him to walk and talk.  Read him stories, showed him how to love the best I knew how, taught him to be kind to others.  He was a good kid, maybe there was more to this thing I was doing.  I felt worthy.  Something began to stir inside me.  I wanted more for his life then I had.  I wanted him to know things could be different.  But how?

I went to church as a child, but after my parents divorce, and moving in with my dad who was a confessed atheist I stopped going.  I had no idea who God was, but I wanted my child to know.  I knew in order to give him what I never had, I had to give myself to somebody.  My whole self.  My dirty, wrecked, broken, self.  So I did.  At 20 yrs. old I gave myself to Jesus and when I did I gave my son an inheritance.

I am not sure that if I didn't have Conner I wouldn't have met Jesus.  God can do anything.  He called me out in my mothers womb, and I know He would have stopped at nothing to get me.  He loves me.  You think you love your kids. Imagine how much more our Father in heaven being good loves us.  To think that God loved me enough to give me this boy.    God wanted me, and He used the greatest gift we can possibly receive to bring me to Him.

Thank You God, thank You, thank You, thank You.  Thank You for allowing my precious son Conner to save me before Your precious Son Jesus did.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I don't want to!!!

Have you ever not wanted to do something? Remember when you were a child and your parents would ask you to do something and you would say, "I don't want too!!"  I asked the Lord to remind me of a  time when I was little that I really didn't want to do something.  I wanted it to be funny.  I wanted it to be something crazy and absurd that was kinda superficial.  I didn't get a fun memory, I got a sad one.  My parents separated when I was 8.  My mom had met another man,  and we were going to move in with him.  I remember packing stuff at my house and then getting in the car to drive away. Right before we left my dad wanted to talk to me. I remember he was crying, it was the first time I had ever seen my dad cry. Then he spoke a sentence to me I will never forget. He said "have fun with your new family and dad."  He hugged me as he said this, then I got into the car and we drove away with me thinking, what, I don't want to. I didn't want a new family, I wanted the one I already had.  I didn't want a new dad seeing as how I was already pretty partial to the one I had.  I loved my dad and he is what I wanted.  I also know that in that moment when he was "losing" his wife and kids I am sure he thought I don't want to as well. Many times in life our "I don't want to's" are pretty superficial.  I don't want to go to the dentist, or I don't want to wake up early and prepare a portion of food for my family and maidservants. (Which by the way doesn't make any sense to me cause if I had maid servants  they would be waking up and preparing the food not me.) I don't want to's are a part of life and we usually end up doing it anyway and it really isn't so bad and it can even make you feel good.  Don't your teeth feel great after leaving the dentist, and  isn't it a wonderful feeling knowing you have provided something good for the ones you love even if it was before the sun came out.  But what about those times when life forces you to do things you don't want to do?  Or even worse when our heavenly Father asks us to do something we don't want to? A little over 12 yrs ago I gave birth to the most amazing boy ever, and a little over 4 months ago I was forced to live my life here on earth with out him. After battling cancer for almost 4 yrs. which I assure you he didn't want to do, he got to run into the loving arms of Jesus. I don't know whether it was life forcing this not want to upon me, or if it was the Lord asking me to do something I didn't want to do, and quite frankly still don't. I don't want to be a mom to only 1 child when I already had 2. I don't want to cook for a family of 3 now instead of 4, I don't want to wake up everyday and not get to kiss and hug my boy.  I don't want to do life without my boy period.    But I have to.  Earlier I mentioned the story about my dad and how I didn't want to not have him anymore and I am happy to say that I did stay with my dad. A couple months after the separation my brother and I got to live with my dad and I did until I got married.  And although there was a lot of heartache that went along with that, which will be used for future blogs, I know that the reason God reminded me about that moment was because He made it ok.  I didn't want to live without my dad and I didn't have too.  I was scared and afraid but my Father in heaven who cared about my heart at 8 yrs. old and who still cares about my heart at 29 is reminding me it will be ok.  It isn't ok right now. I am mad, hurt,  and I will live with a void in my heart until I am reunited with my boy again.  Today I can honestly say I don't want to, but my hope and prayer is that through this blog and my heavenly Father's love, I will be able to come into a place where I can say I didn't want to, but I did and my God carried me all the way through it. Then when He calls me home, He will carry me to heaven where my boy will run into my arms and I can say I don't want to live without you ever again, and the best part is is that that want will come true.