Friday, November 1, 2013

Grief Explosion

I love being a mother. Being able to pour out love on my child on a daily basis. We make a big deal out of birthdays in our home, holidays, and even the weekends. We let our kids talk about what they want for their birthday all year long. We love seeing their faces Christmas morning while opening gifts and we usually spend too much $ just to see more. It always seems worth it in the end. We spend Saturday mornings snuggled in bed watching TV, talking, laughing, tickling. We just make a big deal out of each other cause we are all such a big deal to each other. Almost 2 1/2 yrs. ago one of our big deals went to heaven. His birthday and mine were in October and now with the holiday season approaching I have been thinking about him a lot lately. This has made for some pretty hard days. I was thinking today why? Why can I have days where I think wonderful thoughts and have awesome memories to a day where I am so crippled by pain I can barely move. I think the answer is pressure. We have been having problems with our faucet in the shower. We couldn't get the water to turn off all the way so behind the faucet the water and pressure were building up. Eventually the part of the faucet came flying off and water began pouring out of the pipe and the faucet part lay in the bathtub. I feel like sometimes this is what happens to my heart. I get to spend my days pouring love out on Liyah. Especially when the holidays or her birthday are approaching. Everyday my love faucet for her just keeps pouring out at a pretty constant pace. I don't get that with Conner anymore. I still have the same love for him, and want to celebrate his life and occasions and even just 3 day weekends with him but I can't. This leads to what I from now on will be calling grief explosions. When all that love for our children who are no longer with us builds up inside our hearts, then eventually the pressure builds up and our heart explodes and ends up laying outside of our chest and we are left with a gaping whole and love just pouring out uncontrollably everywhere and we don't know how to handle it. We have to spend the day trying to get our heart back in our bodies and repair it the best we can knowing it will never be fixed completely. Sometimes recovery from these grief explosions will only take hrs. but sometimes it could take days or even weeks. I think this is also why my love for Conner and Liyah feels so different since Conner died. My love for him feels more intense and pressurized. Like a heaviness instead of a light soft love.  I think it is because I have had to pour all my love onto him in only 11 short yrs. instead of hopefully a whole lifetime with Liyah.  There is no pressure behind my love for Liyah. I am happy to have her light weight no pressure love. It helps with the recovery from the grief explosions. Anyway just having some random thoughts today that I wanted to write out. Be love.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Unconditional love for my husband, whatever...

You can call me Chicken Little. I tend to be dramatic so the events that occur in my life can only lead me to one explanation. The sky is falling. Which is exactly why last spring when my marriage was going through some pretty hard stuff I determined in my mind it was over, ending, kaputz and there was nothing I could do about it.  Well that's not true their was something I could do. Start a private face book message disguised as prayer so that I could privately yet publicly bash my husband.  Obviously this was the only road to go. So daily I would post the cruel things he would say to me. The arguments we would have or even the ignoring which for me hurts more than the yelling/name calling. I relished in the fact that these woman made me feel justified in my loathing of my husband. After all I am such a wonderful person who doesn't do anything wrong. So days turned into weeks, weeks into months and  I continued to pour out disrespect and wrath for my husband. Don't worry it wasn't just too his face, it was also to my friends on the private yet public face book feed. Day by day I sat wondering why nothing was getting better. I prayed. I prayed a whole heck of a lot. God show him his ways. God make him see he is wrong. God I set up a meeting with him and Pastor Ron so  you can use him to tell him he is wrong cause he isn't listening to You. Still nothing. Then one day I posted again in my feed about the horrible thing my husband had done and when I went back to check for sympathy, ahem I mean justification, ahem, prayer, sorry. When I went back to look a few people commented sorry we love you blah blah blah, but one person who is one of my dearest and most trusted friends left the conversation. What??? Well why on earth would she do that? I private messaged her and asked her because obviously she wasn't understanding how upset I was about all this. Her words were so simple, sweet, and innocent. She said, "because I love you both.". Bam, right smack in my face came a hand. Probably not God's cause I am not sure He works that way but in any case there was a hand upside my head.  She loves us both, which means she loves him. How can she love him?? She has never felt is comforting arms around her while she sobbed and cried and almost died. She hadn't laughed thousands of times at his jokes, or funny voices, or right on impersonations.  She didn't watch him love a child he didn't have to or a child you shared together. She hasn't looked over and caught him looking at her knowing he was thinking something naughty yet totally acceptable for marriage.  She didn't stand face to face with him in front of friends, family, God and promise to love him till death through good times and bad. How could I have been so foolish. I loved him. I loved this man that shared all these moments with me and countless others that are too many to list. I felt pretty awful at what I had done to my marriage and especially my husband. That day I stopped posting and deleted the whole conversation. That day I made a promise to God and myself that I would start loving my husband. Unconditionally loving him like I thought I had been doing all along but actually wasn't. If only I remembered sooner about the unconditional love thing it would have saved my marriage months of hardness, tears, and sorrow. Since this day my marriage has grown by leaps and bounds. We are happier than we have ever been in our whole 10yrs.  Yes there has been changes on both sides but the thing I see most is in my heart and for this change I am so grateful. God is faithful to love always. We as people, not so much. I know that I am going to think twice before claiming love to people unconditionally, especially if I am not following through with it in my own home. Nathan, I love you unconditionally and forever. This even includes when you are not doing everything I want you to all the time :)

PS if you were a friend in the message feed, I mean no disrespect. You are all awesome and I know your hearts were all in the right place even if mine wasn't.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Pay Attention to me

My whole life I have craved attention. Anyone who knows me knows I love to be the center of it and will do /say anything to be that way. I believe it began as a child from feeling like I never received the attention I felt like I deserved.  In elementary school I was always the child in the nurses office pretending to be sick.  I think at times I really believed I was sick and even if I really was sick I felt like I deserved attention for it. This behavior carried on into my teenage yrs. where I would be the one crying fro attention, or acting out, or crying suicide, or not even talking just to get attention from people.  My mom was hardly ever around and my dad spent most of my teenage years in a bar.  I used to crave attention from anyone who would give it to me. This led to drug abuse, promiscuity, and a number of other very shameful things.  This behavior has carried into my adult years.  My boyfriend got me pregnant then left me, I'm getting married, I can't get pregnant, my son has cancer, my father committed suicide, my son has cancer again, my son died, my marriage is so hard, and on and on, so you must pay attention to me. I used to crave pity so much that sometimes I feel like it was a way for the enemy to get into my life and to one of my most cherished possessions, my child. After all you can't get much more feel sorry for me  than your child dying of cancer.   This has been something I have struggled with my whole life and lately I feel as though the Lord is telling me to lay down my need for attention.  I need to realize that through every moment of my life, the tears, the joy, the uncertainty there was a God who knew and was being attentive to me. I need to get this mindset to sink deep down into my soul and my heart.  I serve a most attentive and loving God.  He searches me and knows me, He knows when I sit and when I rise, He knows my going out and laying down.  Before a word is on my tongue He knows it. He hems me behind and before and His hand is upon me.  I cannot flee from Him. In the depths He is there. He formed me fearfully and wonderfully in my mothers womb.  He knows my thoughts and needs before they arise.(Psalm 139)  I would say attention like this is way better than that which I get from people.  When I was a child I thought like a child. Well now that I am grown it is time to put childish things behind me.  This will probably be difficult. After all a mindset that is almost 3 decades in the making can not be an easy thing to break. However I know that through Him I can do all things. I know I will fail, but I also know I will get back up, continue trying and be better than I was yesterday which is really all we as people can hope to be. I know perfection will not come until I am with my Savior for eternity, but in the mean time I will strive for it. When people see me I want them to see the God in me, not the attention seeking, woe is me, pity party person the enemy intends for me to be.  I want to be free, strong, and joyful in Christ. I know it can only come through His strength so I will hold onto to that which He has freely given me when He poured out His Spirit on us all. Well my friends today I am choosing to receive the power that comes though this gift which is laying aside all I think I deserve so that people will see the God of love and attentiveness.  Your prayers would be greatly appreciated accompanied by your kind words of um, your doing it again.  I want my life from now on to not be pay attention to me, but pay attention to Him.

Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.  Psalm 139:23-24

Sunday, March 3, 2013

What a difference a day makes

It is amazing to me how one day can change everything in your life.  Not even a full day, but a moment from that day.  One little insignificant moment that turns out to be the most significant moment of your life.  My life was perfect.  Well maybe not perfect but pretty darn close.  I had a wonderful husband, 2 amazing kids, (1 boy, 1 girl, perfect), a home, Jesus, and the family and love I had always craved.  I also think that because my child had already battled cancer and we had that "scare" in our life I appreciated everything I had a little bit more. Saying I was happy and fulfilled would be an understatement.  I was rocking out being a mom.  Cooking, cleaning, teaching, etc.  My husband was happy and very satisfied.  Yup, a perfect life, that seems like a lifetime ago.  Then one day, one seemingly normal day, everything changed forever.  After that day nothing will ever be the same again.  At 9:01 pm, a Dr. called and told us Conner's routine MRI, that he had had several times since the first tumor diagnoses, showed growth.  My son in fact had cancer again.  So now, 4 years later I think back on this day.  This day that stole my perfect, fulfilled, life forever.  This day that I hate more than any other day.  Maybe even more than the day my son died. The day that I realized nothing in fact was perfect. The day that haunts me still in my dreams and lingers pain throughout my days.  This day that changed everything forever.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Going back up the mountain.

"Until the day breaks
    and the shadows flee,
I will go to the mountain of myrrh
    and to the hill of incense"    Song of Songs 4:6

To be on the mountaintop with the Lord.  Doing His will, experiencing His presence, willing and able to do anything because you are your beloveds and He is yours.  Loving unconditionally, living unashamedly, pouring all you are into His kingdom and not ever wanting to stop.  Yes that is life on the mountain.  However as we know from geography the tops of the mountains seem to be the shortest and hardest to get to.  However the view is breathtaking and when you are up there looking down you understand more.  You can see so much more clearly and wow the things we can see when we are up there with the Lord.  Unfortunately, at least in my experience it doesn't seem to last very long.  Eventually, usually sooner rather than later I always end up back at the bottom of the mountain hanging out in the valley. And most of the time it isn't a slow descend down.  I just close my eyes and seem to roll off the hill right back down to the bottom.   Then i sit under the tree looking up thinking of how nice it would be to be back on top of the mountain again.  I mean who are we kidding, the valley isn't really that bad.  There is food and water, shelter, and you really don't have to work that hard.  You can just kinda hang out doing your own thing and not having to try.  Trying seems to bring failure in my life.  I work so hard at something, then fail at it, then sit around wallowing in my failures.  Just sitting at the bottom of the mountain feeling sorry for myself while the Lord reminds me of the top.  Reminding me that I didn't fail, because I tried.  Reminding me that even though He wants me on the mountain, He is still with me in the valley.  Sitting under the tree with me gently and lovingly convincing me that I can do it, it is worth it, and He will lead me.  Then I decide yet again He is right and knows what is best for me. So I begin the long trek back up the mountain.  At first it is so hard.  Dark and there is no accomplishments to look back on.  All you see is up and it seems so far away.  Then you look back again and realize you have gained a little ground.  The top is still so far away, but there is a little distant behind you and it seems you are going somewhere.  Then you look out and realize you can see a little clearer.  Not like from the top of the mountain, but the higher up you go the better it gets.  Then you look up and realize you are getting there, and that you really can do it.  You may stumble a little bit, fall a little, but good thing your climbing buddy is with you to keep you safe and pull you up when you lose footing.  Then you are there, at the top, doing His will and loving being back up there with your first love.  If you are anything like me  you will most likely end up back at the bottom of the mountain just chilling and not wanting to start the climb again.  This is where I have found myself these days.  However I know it is better to be in the water with my Jesus than in the boat without Him.  Which means where He goes I will go because that is where I long to be. So I will begin the long haul back up the mountain.  I will work to get to where my love wants me.  It will not be as easy as I would want.  It will take longer than I want.  I will stumble more than I want.  And I will rest more than I should, but I will at least start upward.  Even if I find myself circling the mountain at a very small incline I will still be going up.  So here I go.  I will need tons of prayer and encouragement.  Most importantly I will just need to keep my eyes on my beloved, knowing without a doubt and no matter where I am that His eyes are always on me.  And I will hear Him, 

"My beloved spoke and said to me,
    “Arise, my darling,
    my beautiful one, come with me."  Song of Songs 2:10

And I will go.