Wednesday, January 18, 2012

What NOT to say.

Today I am using this blog as a tool to vent.  I am so happy I have a safe place where I can speak my heart and no one will be offended.  That being said please no one get offended.
There are certain things you should not say to people during there time of misery, especially those whose misery is caused by the death of a child.  A lot of times people need to just vent, hence this post, so don't try to give words of comfort or understanding.   Sometimes they just need to hear wow, sorry and I will pray.  There are certain things that we don't want to hear.

1. Anything about God's will.  No body will ever be able to convince me that it was God's for my child to be sick and die.  His will is for life which is why His son came and died.  God is not the type whose will  is for a mother to watch her son suffer tragically for years and then die in her arms at 11 yrs. old.  Art least not any kind of God that I would be able to serve.  However I do believe that God's will is to turn tragic things into beautiful things. He says He will make all things work together for good to those who are called according to His purpose. Which is everyone so take your blessing people.

2.  God does not give you more than you can handle.  To me this old saying evokes 2 responses in me.  The first is well I am not handling this then.  My child died.  How in the world would I be able to handle it???  I know how I feel inside which is out of control and crazy so when you say to me I won't get more than I can handle it makes me want to punch you. However I never would, I hope.  There are some things that are dealt to us in this life which are just more than we ourselves can handle.  Which brings me to my next thought, God does give us more than we can handle.  Well God may not give us more than we can handle but life does, He says so in His word.  The God I serve doesn't want me to try and handle things on my own.  That is when He knows I will get into trouble.  Why because He knows how He made me.  He knows He created our bodies to live forever, and when sin entered man our bodies became subject to physical death.  ( 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.” Gen. 2:17)  Isn't it crazy to think that if Adam and Eve had not eaten from the tree our bodies would live forever.  This is why I believe grief is the most unnatural emotion our bodies can handle.  We weren't made to die so we certainly weren't made to handle it when someone we love dies.  But God does say He will deal with it for us if we let Him.  His word says , “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  He also tells us ,"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  And there are so many others that prove to me God doesn't want me to handle my problems, He wants to handle them for me. 

3. My final stupid thing people say for today is one that seems to evoke the most rage in me. When people say at least you still have Nate and Liyah, or well think about Nate and Liyah, or you have to go on for Nate and Liyah.  No freakin duh people.  I bet I know and appreciate the importance of them in my life even better than most people.  I would have to say that until you have lost something so precious in your life, you can't really, really see how important the people arethat you do have.  I am not saying someone has to die for you to appreciate the people in your life, I am just saying when it does happen it makes you realize it and appreciate it in a whole new way.  So trust me people, I wake up every morning and go on because I get to see there faces and hug them and kiss them and serve them.  But I also go on because God calls me too.  And I go on serving and loving Him because I know He is the only way I will get to hug and kiss and see the face of my beautiful boy who I lost much to soon in this world.  

So let's recap, God's will is for life and not death or sickness, He does give you more than you can handle but will not give you more than He can handle, and I sill love and appreciate Liyah and Nate and realize how important they are in my life.  

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Conner's Blog- some stuff he wrote.

My favorite football is the Bears.  They have been my favorite team since I was like 7 yrs. old.  They became my favorite team when I was 7 because I played flag football when I was 7.  My team was the Ogden Bears.  My favorite players are Devon Hester, Brian Urlacher, and there new player Julius Peppers.  Devon Hester's position is punt returner.  Brian Urlacher position is linebacker.  Julius Peppers position is tackle on the line.  I do not like the line it is boring to me.  My favorite positions are wide receiver, middle linebacker, running back, and safety.  My favorite sport is FOOTBALL!!

My Favorite Sport
My favorite sport is football.  These are some reasons why.  I like to run and football has a lot of running in it.  second reason is because I like to tackle people.  There is a lot of that in football. The third reason I like football is because one of my favorite things to do is catch and there can be a lot of that in football. Another reason is because I like wearing all the gear.  Two more reasons is because you get a certain amount of yard every play, and last but not least because there is a defense.  I love defense.  44 is my number this is the # for Amad Bradshaw running back for the NY Giants.

The New News
For the past couple weeks I have been taking in a lot of information about my cancer and treatment options.  I must admit some of the things i hear are amazing, but some are pretty down heartening. Such as the fact that no chemo's are helping but that i will be starting a completely new chemo soon.  Which is exciting and a little bit not at the same time.  I am very excited for this weekend.  I am spending it at the Woodcliff Lodge with my family.  It has been sort of hard to sleep the last couple days because of my steroid, but that should end today because I am lowering my dose. P.S. I will keep you updated on what is happening by email and by writing you these short stories.  Your student Conner.

A Chemo stay at Strong
On Friday January 21 I wet to the strong Hospital to get chemo for what I thought would be about 3-5 days.  In the story good things and bad things happened.  I am going to tell you about how my story was good and bad.  First getting into the hospital I was admitted into room 518 in the part of the hospital where crying babies stay.  I shared a room with a 12 year old named Kevin.  He was in the hospital for a ruptured appendix.  But let's not make the story about him.  Well now that we were situated in the hospital I got hungry so me and mom took it easy for the night, we ordered papa johns.  When we were done with that we took it easy in my room and watched movies.
So now we had been in the hospital for a while, it was probably 9 at night, and the nurse Melissa was getting the chemo hooked up in my chest where my port is.  My port is connected to my main vein in my body which is where the chemo flows to get to the cancer cells to kill those.  Now it was 10.  I was starting to get tired and watching the movie Evan Almighty (very funny).  In the hospital I started to get hungry again because of my steroid, it makes me hungry.  Well now at like 11, my roommate was awake and we were just talking to each other about why we were here and just getting to know each other.  Well now it was about morning we had talked to the Dr's and some good news came out of that.  I might be able to leave the hospital at 6pm.  Well now it was 1 in the morning I was done with chemo and getting the fluids to help clear the chemo out of me and the hard part seems to start.
Well it was about 2 in the morning now and my nurse is telling me I should get some rest so she gives me some benadryl to help me sleep and I am out for about 3 hours.  Now I am back up at about 6 in the morning.  I just watched movies until like 9am.  Well now it was almost time to go home you could say.  It was ok being in the hospital but it was definitely boring.  Well for a little bit when my mom got up we went to a coffee hour thing for her so she could get some coffee and she talked to a mom for like an hour about the moms kids who had like a stomach cancer.  Well  now we were back in my room and it was about 12pm, I took a nap because I was exhausted and the fluid only had to run for one more hour when I woke up.  So we packed up the stuff we brought and in an hour the nurse came back, unhooked me, and we left to go home.  Yipee!  

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

If I could

I woke up with this poem in my mind early in the morning about 2 weeks after Conner died.  I knew it was from God.  Notice how every time I address Conner and try to comfort him, he comforts me back with the Father's love.  My mind would not have done that, I would have comforted myself with my sweet boy.  Anyway just wanted to put it on my blog so I can try and keep my stuff together.  

If I could, I would reach my hand up oh so high.  Past the clouds and past the sky.  Through the darkness, up past the stars.  Through the dimensions to where you are.  
If I could, I would hold your hand for just a little while.  The touch and feel of it would make me smile.
If I could, I would tell you just how loved you are.  You would probably say, "I know, it's the greatest love of all, my Father isn't far."
If I could, I would give you my life. However I don't have too, cause His one and only Son already paid the price.
If I could, I would wrap my arms around you and say, "don't worry baby, I am here to stay."  And I bet I know exactly what you would say. "Mama, I know if you could  you would.  But don't worry, you don't have too. Jesus already made the way." 

With me wherever I go.

I carry him with me wherever I go.  Sometimes I don't even know he is there, and sometimes he is all I see.  Sometimes when I am not paying much attention to him I feel guilty.  And in the times when he consumes me, I feel guilty for letting him consume me again.  I didn't ask him to join my life, he was forced upon me.  I wish he would leave and never come back but unfortunately aside from death nothing will ever separate us.  He is ugly and mean and he brings out the worst in me.  He devastates my days and ruins my nights.  He brings me shame and guilt and he turns me away from the wife, mother, sister, and friend I am called to be.  He is an intruder in my life and he is here to stay.  His name is grief and he is with me wherever I go.

He carries me wherever I go.  Sometimes I don't even realize He is there and I know He is all I really need to see.  He is always paying attention to me and for that I have now no condemnation.  I need Him to consume me again, and again, and again.  I asked Him into my life, He was never forced upon me although He was always there.  I am so happy He is with me and so grateful that nothing can separate us, not even death.  He is beautiful and kind and brings out the best in me.  He calms my days and comforts my nights.  He gives me righteousness and peace and teaches me how to be the kind of wife, mother, sister, and friend I am called to be.  He is the redeemer of my life and He is here to stay.The more I look at Him who carries me the easier it is to deal with him who is always with me.  His name is Jesus and He is with me wherever I go.