Sunday, September 8, 2013

Unconditional love for my husband, whatever...

You can call me Chicken Little. I tend to be dramatic so the events that occur in my life can only lead me to one explanation. The sky is falling. Which is exactly why last spring when my marriage was going through some pretty hard stuff I determined in my mind it was over, ending, kaputz and there was nothing I could do about it.  Well that's not true their was something I could do. Start a private face book message disguised as prayer so that I could privately yet publicly bash my husband.  Obviously this was the only road to go. So daily I would post the cruel things he would say to me. The arguments we would have or even the ignoring which for me hurts more than the yelling/name calling. I relished in the fact that these woman made me feel justified in my loathing of my husband. After all I am such a wonderful person who doesn't do anything wrong. So days turned into weeks, weeks into months and  I continued to pour out disrespect and wrath for my husband. Don't worry it wasn't just too his face, it was also to my friends on the private yet public face book feed. Day by day I sat wondering why nothing was getting better. I prayed. I prayed a whole heck of a lot. God show him his ways. God make him see he is wrong. God I set up a meeting with him and Pastor Ron so  you can use him to tell him he is wrong cause he isn't listening to You. Still nothing. Then one day I posted again in my feed about the horrible thing my husband had done and when I went back to check for sympathy, ahem I mean justification, ahem, prayer, sorry. When I went back to look a few people commented sorry we love you blah blah blah, but one person who is one of my dearest and most trusted friends left the conversation. What??? Well why on earth would she do that? I private messaged her and asked her because obviously she wasn't understanding how upset I was about all this. Her words were so simple, sweet, and innocent. She said, "because I love you both.". Bam, right smack in my face came a hand. Probably not God's cause I am not sure He works that way but in any case there was a hand upside my head.  She loves us both, which means she loves him. How can she love him?? She has never felt is comforting arms around her while she sobbed and cried and almost died. She hadn't laughed thousands of times at his jokes, or funny voices, or right on impersonations.  She didn't watch him love a child he didn't have to or a child you shared together. She hasn't looked over and caught him looking at her knowing he was thinking something naughty yet totally acceptable for marriage.  She didn't stand face to face with him in front of friends, family, God and promise to love him till death through good times and bad. How could I have been so foolish. I loved him. I loved this man that shared all these moments with me and countless others that are too many to list. I felt pretty awful at what I had done to my marriage and especially my husband. That day I stopped posting and deleted the whole conversation. That day I made a promise to God and myself that I would start loving my husband. Unconditionally loving him like I thought I had been doing all along but actually wasn't. If only I remembered sooner about the unconditional love thing it would have saved my marriage months of hardness, tears, and sorrow. Since this day my marriage has grown by leaps and bounds. We are happier than we have ever been in our whole 10yrs.  Yes there has been changes on both sides but the thing I see most is in my heart and for this change I am so grateful. God is faithful to love always. We as people, not so much. I know that I am going to think twice before claiming love to people unconditionally, especially if I am not following through with it in my own home. Nathan, I love you unconditionally and forever. This even includes when you are not doing everything I want you to all the time :)

PS if you were a friend in the message feed, I mean no disrespect. You are all awesome and I know your hearts were all in the right place even if mine wasn't.