Friday, November 1, 2013

Grief Explosion

I love being a mother. Being able to pour out love on my child on a daily basis. We make a big deal out of birthdays in our home, holidays, and even the weekends. We let our kids talk about what they want for their birthday all year long. We love seeing their faces Christmas morning while opening gifts and we usually spend too much $ just to see more. It always seems worth it in the end. We spend Saturday mornings snuggled in bed watching TV, talking, laughing, tickling. We just make a big deal out of each other cause we are all such a big deal to each other. Almost 2 1/2 yrs. ago one of our big deals went to heaven. His birthday and mine were in October and now with the holiday season approaching I have been thinking about him a lot lately. This has made for some pretty hard days. I was thinking today why? Why can I have days where I think wonderful thoughts and have awesome memories to a day where I am so crippled by pain I can barely move. I think the answer is pressure. We have been having problems with our faucet in the shower. We couldn't get the water to turn off all the way so behind the faucet the water and pressure were building up. Eventually the part of the faucet came flying off and water began pouring out of the pipe and the faucet part lay in the bathtub. I feel like sometimes this is what happens to my heart. I get to spend my days pouring love out on Liyah. Especially when the holidays or her birthday are approaching. Everyday my love faucet for her just keeps pouring out at a pretty constant pace. I don't get that with Conner anymore. I still have the same love for him, and want to celebrate his life and occasions and even just 3 day weekends with him but I can't. This leads to what I from now on will be calling grief explosions. When all that love for our children who are no longer with us builds up inside our hearts, then eventually the pressure builds up and our heart explodes and ends up laying outside of our chest and we are left with a gaping whole and love just pouring out uncontrollably everywhere and we don't know how to handle it. We have to spend the day trying to get our heart back in our bodies and repair it the best we can knowing it will never be fixed completely. Sometimes recovery from these grief explosions will only take hrs. but sometimes it could take days or even weeks. I think this is also why my love for Conner and Liyah feels so different since Conner died. My love for him feels more intense and pressurized. Like a heaviness instead of a light soft love.  I think it is because I have had to pour all my love onto him in only 11 short yrs. instead of hopefully a whole lifetime with Liyah.  There is no pressure behind my love for Liyah. I am happy to have her light weight no pressure love. It helps with the recovery from the grief explosions. Anyway just having some random thoughts today that I wanted to write out. Be love.

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