Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Pay Attention to me

My whole life I have craved attention. Anyone who knows me knows I love to be the center of it and will do /say anything to be that way. I believe it began as a child from feeling like I never received the attention I felt like I deserved.  In elementary school I was always the child in the nurses office pretending to be sick.  I think at times I really believed I was sick and even if I really was sick I felt like I deserved attention for it. This behavior carried on into my teenage yrs. where I would be the one crying fro attention, or acting out, or crying suicide, or not even talking just to get attention from people.  My mom was hardly ever around and my dad spent most of my teenage years in a bar.  I used to crave attention from anyone who would give it to me. This led to drug abuse, promiscuity, and a number of other very shameful things.  This behavior has carried into my adult years.  My boyfriend got me pregnant then left me, I'm getting married, I can't get pregnant, my son has cancer, my father committed suicide, my son has cancer again, my son died, my marriage is so hard, and on and on, so you must pay attention to me. I used to crave pity so much that sometimes I feel like it was a way for the enemy to get into my life and to one of my most cherished possessions, my child. After all you can't get much more feel sorry for me  than your child dying of cancer.   This has been something I have struggled with my whole life and lately I feel as though the Lord is telling me to lay down my need for attention.  I need to realize that through every moment of my life, the tears, the joy, the uncertainty there was a God who knew and was being attentive to me. I need to get this mindset to sink deep down into my soul and my heart.  I serve a most attentive and loving God.  He searches me and knows me, He knows when I sit and when I rise, He knows my going out and laying down.  Before a word is on my tongue He knows it. He hems me behind and before and His hand is upon me.  I cannot flee from Him. In the depths He is there. He formed me fearfully and wonderfully in my mothers womb.  He knows my thoughts and needs before they arise.(Psalm 139)  I would say attention like this is way better than that which I get from people.  When I was a child I thought like a child. Well now that I am grown it is time to put childish things behind me.  This will probably be difficult. After all a mindset that is almost 3 decades in the making can not be an easy thing to break. However I know that through Him I can do all things. I know I will fail, but I also know I will get back up, continue trying and be better than I was yesterday which is really all we as people can hope to be. I know perfection will not come until I am with my Savior for eternity, but in the mean time I will strive for it. When people see me I want them to see the God in me, not the attention seeking, woe is me, pity party person the enemy intends for me to be.  I want to be free, strong, and joyful in Christ. I know it can only come through His strength so I will hold onto to that which He has freely given me when He poured out His Spirit on us all. Well my friends today I am choosing to receive the power that comes though this gift which is laying aside all I think I deserve so that people will see the God of love and attentiveness.  Your prayers would be greatly appreciated accompanied by your kind words of um, your doing it again.  I want my life from now on to not be pay attention to me, but pay attention to Him.

Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.  Psalm 139:23-24

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